I was kind of thinking I’d like to humiliate myself today. You know, because I just don’t do it often enough. I was thinking about our new house, and how I can’t wait for it to be done, and how it just seems like the process and planning have been going on forever, and forever, and forever……okay, enough. To start with, it was nothing short of a miracle that we were able to buy the property that we bought on the island, and we’ve been thankful everyday for the generosity and sacrifice of our friends Kent and Angie, and for Jason’s dad – it wouldn’t have happened otherwise.
So last summer we bought these two great ocean view lots from Kent and Angie, who, wonder of wonders, had already designed and drafted a beautiful house to go on it, and were willing to give us the plans with the purchase of the lots. We were dancing on air those first few weeks, and giddy with excitement. (Yeah, I think that was like seven months ago now, kinda stopped dancing a little at this point, and it’s down to a sort of pained jig.). So one night, Jason and I got home from work, had dinner with the kids, and did the routine. Jason said he had to run up to Kent and Angie’s to get another copy of the house plans (the first builder we took them to hadn’t returned them to us, and we had already determined he was too expensive.), and he wanted to know if I wanted to go for a little drive.
Sure! I’m like a golden retriever. Ride? Pant! Pant! I hadn’t changed from my work clothes yet, but a drive up the mountain is always nice. So we got to Kent and Angie’s who live WAY up the mountain perched on a hillside. I decided to wait in the car, because I noticed another couple was there and A) I didn’t want to barge in and B) if I did barge in, I know I have a habit of sucking all of the air out of the room and demanding full attention and yammering on and on. No one should have deal with that unless they have specifically asked to be annoyed.
So I waited in the car. And I waited. And I had to pee. Bad. I got out of the car on the dark mountain road and looked up at Angie’s house which was across the street and up about 30 feet behind trees. I contemplated hiking the driveway in my straight skirt and heels and going in to use the bathroom, and then looked around me to see that the only other house I could see was way down at the bottom of the ravine next to the car. So, being an island girl, I decided to squat next to the car and do my business, knowing no one could see me in the dark and I was off the road communing with the deer and other animals that pee in the woods. And also knowing Jason was probably going to be out any second and I would delay our errand by a factor of two if I went inside now.
So, I hiked up my skirt and wrestled briefly with my pantyhose and felt much better. Only, I failed to notice just how close to the ravine I was – you know, because it’s dark. As I stood up to do the pantyhose dance and wiggle back into my control tops, the bottom dropped out from beneath my feet. I went plunging down a gravel ravine on my bare backside, with my nylons around my knees and my skirt wadded up around my armpits. I slid about 50 feet before standing up, holding my tush and pulling my dignity (ha!) and clothing back together. My heart was pounding as I leaned on the hillside and said aloud “WHO -- DOES THIS?????” I clawed my way back up the ravine with my acrylic nails and high heels, cursing my stupidity the whole way up.
Once at the top, I adjusted my skirt, tucked in my blouse, shook my hair, crossed the street, and stalked up the driveway to get Jason. As soon as I opened the door in the bright house and saw the room full of people and happy kids I immediately lost the desire to drag Jason outside. Angie’s middle child came up and said, “Do you want to see my room??” I said sure! So Elliot took me upstairs where his older brother and two of the neighbor girls were playing and admired the room which is like the perfect boy loft. I bent down to help Elliot whisk away a puppy indiscretion on the floor and noticed that my backside was starting to really sting. Downstairs I went, where Kent, Angie, Ritchie, Lara and Jason were chatting, and Angie directed me to a garbage can for the plastic bag I held in my hand. I washed my hands in the sink thinking, man, my rump really stings – I wonder if I scraped it up. (I never said I was a genius, okay?)
So, I was leaning against the counter, talking with Angie who was holding her youngest, the cutest little two year old with curly blonde hair that you have ever seen. Angie and I decided that he’s really our love child because she and her husband both have dark hair. Anyway, I was thinking how much I love these kids, and I reached for Solomon just as he threw up all over Angie. I grabbed Solomon and said, “You go change, I’ll dunk Solly, here.” And headed toward the bathroom with the baby who was not in least bit affected or bothered by the upchuck. Angie changed and she and I ran the bath and bathed Solomon and Elliot together while they smiled and acted silly. Only, bending over the tub my butt was starting to sting in earnest at this point, and I could tell that my pantyhose were sticking to my backside – not a good sign.
I stood up and backed up to the mirror and told Angie that I slipped down the hillside when I got out of the car – obviously omitting the part about me going ‘nature girl’ and peeing in the woods. I unzipped my skirt and hiked up my hip while I looked over my shoulder so I could see the damage in the mirror. Angie stared…”Oh my god, what did you do??” My butt looked like I got busy in the backseat with Edward Scissor-hands. I was scraped, and bleeding, and already bruising. Then Angie said, “You really have a great ass.” Only Angie would make such a great comment when I’m feeling like such a bloody (pun intended) idiot.
So we toweled off the boys, got them into their jammies and wandered out into the living room where Jason had blueprints in one hand, a beer in the other, and was completely oblivious to any of the evening’s swashbuckling events. “Ready, honey?” I said. “Sure,” he said, pushing himself away from the couch he was leaning on. I hugged Angie goodbye, and she said, “Wow, you are amazing, you fell down a ravine and walked in here like nothing happened and you didn’t even run your nylons!” I smiled and left, thinking “Yeah, I didn’t run my nylons because they were around my ankles, and I pretended nothing happened because I wish with all of the skin on my backside that nothing .
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