Wax on....Wax off - February 7, 2006

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and of course...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, sign various papers and permission slips, play with the little people. (At least I wish that was normal…it’s only this ‘normal’ one or two nights per week.) I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should try the new waxing kit I just bought”.

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. I had bought two kits for my very pregnant friend Kaitlyn, with whom I have a scheduled ‘icky date’ where I wax her eyebrows, and she candles my ears. (Don’t judge me, real women do these things for each other to spare the spouse and save some dough.) I chose the "cold wax" kit for my particular adventure. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. So I pull one of the thin strips out. It is two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in. So I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold wax? You may as well use a Barbie sticker.) I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. It was better than last year when Annie and I made waxing appointments at the spa...now that was merciless. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, and ensuring that Jason is otherwise occupied, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek. Yes, it was a long strip. I inhale deeply and brace myself.......RRRRIIIPPP!! I'm blind!! Blinded from pain!!.... OH MY GOD!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...breathe, breathe...OK, didn’t throw up, getting back to normal. I want to see my trophy -- a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! Nothing. Not only is there no pelt, there is no WAX. Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see wax.

CRAP! Then I make the next BIG mistake… I know I need to do something. I put my foot down. Then I hear the ‘moron bells’ going off in my head. I am now wearing a painful, cold wax, medieval chastity device, and my butt cheeks are sealed together. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me have to pee!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain. God bless the advent of the cell phone, and my propensity to have it on my person at all times…including in the pocket of my pants which were on the floor next to the tub. I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glue together to the bottom of the tub." There is a slight pause. I think I may have heard her strangling, but she may have been choking on her dinner. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does have the decency to try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now.....I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. Right.I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued together, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off. Good times. By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I’m already hypothermic and shriveling from my own personal humiliation. I rub some on and YEEEEOOOOWWW!!!! My screams should have woken the kids and scared the crap out of Jason, but I think Myth Busters was on too loud. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up, still laughing. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....I have not removed a single follicle of the unsightly, unwanted, body hair. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I should have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color...